The Transformative Power of Self-Compassion
How Self-Kindness Can Be Your Greatest Superpower
This is a photo depiction of how I come to you in this post.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written. My instinct is to go into allllll of the details and reasons why I’ve been delinquent with my articles in an effort to earn your forgiveness and alleviate the guilt I feel for letting down my adoring public.
Of course, I jest about the fanfare surrounding my musings. But, I really do mean the part about the guilt. It’s a familiar feeling that I experience every time I fail to live up to expectations, to get it exactly right, or to simply thrill and delight.
And in case you were wondering, it isn’t just self-imposed guilt I struggle with. I am a world-class self-critic.
When I make mistakes, it’s not because I was doing something difficult or because I was moving too quickly. It’s because I’m dumb.
If I don’t like how I look in a photo, it’s not because the lighting was bad or the angle was strange. It’s because I’m ugly.
If I forget to return a phone call, it’s not because I have a lot going on and it fell through the cracks. It’s because I’m a bad person.
If I can’t fulfill all of my kids’ desires, it’s not because that’s an impossible (and probably unwise) standard to meet. It’s because I’m not a good mom.
And, if I fail to write my weekly article for 3 weeks in a row, it’s not because I started a podcast, welcomed home a new puppy, juggled the demands of “Maycember” with two small boys, a full time job, and an evening certification program and simply had no brain space left. It’s because I’m lazy, undisciplined, and unable to keep promises to myself and others.
If you thought of our friend, Cher Horowitz, spitting out this unforgettable line while reading the above, I thank you for your empathy and for your appreciation of 90’s classic cinema.
Because it is way harsh. And, more importantly, it’s entirely unhelpful.
These feelings are what led me to this week’s topic - self-compassion; a concept that once made me roll my eyes so far into the back of my head, I feared I’d never be able to see the light of day again.
But, it turns out, that of all the skills I’ve learned in my positive psychology course, this one might be the biggest game changer of them all.
What is Compassion?
The word “compassion” stems from the Latin words for “with” (com) and “suffering” (patiens). I’m certain that you’ve experienced compassion with close friends and family. You notice when they’re not feeling their best, you recall all of the times you’ve been in a similar position, and you seek to alleviate their pain or sadness by meeting them with warmth, understanding, and kindness.
For many, this is a natural response. BUT. Only as it relates to others. When it comes to self-compassion? Not so much. Many of us have a relentless inner critic that is always quick to point out our flaws and shortcomings. It tricks us into thinking we’re not good enough, smart enough, talented enough - simply, not enough.
Where does this come from?
Your Inner Critic
Studies in psychology and neuroscience suggest that self-criticism is linked to activity in the brain’s prefrontal cortex and amygdala, areas involved in emotional regulation and decision-making.
As with most things, our tendency to be self-critical has evolutionary roots. While there is no definitive answer to why we engage in this behavior, researchers far smarter than I hypothesize that being self-critical might have developed to help our ancestors identify and correct mistakes, which improved their chances of survival. By recognizing potential shortcomings or errors, they could avoid dangerous situations or improve their skills.
Self-criticism can also promote behaviors that align with social norms, helping people fit in and be accepted by their group. This was VERY important to our ancestors since their only goals were survival and reproduction.
At it’s core, however, self-criticism is a habit. And the best thing about habits is that they can be changed.
What is Self-Compassion?
On the other side of the self-criticism coin lies self-compassion. This is a concept pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff, and it’s made of up three essential components:
Self-kindness - being gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical. For example, when you make a mistake at work, instead of berating yourself with thoughts like "I'm so stupid," you could practice self-kindness by saying, "It's okay to make mistakes. I can learn from this."
Common humanity - recognizing that suffering and failure are part of the shared human experience. For example, if you're feeling overwhelmed by the grind of parenting, instead of isolating yourself with thoughts like "No one else struggles like this," you could remind yourself, "Being a parent is tough, and lots of parents feel this way."
Mindfulness - being present with our feelings without over-identifying with them. For example, if you're feeling anxious about a big presentation, rather than getting caught up in a vortex of anxious thoughts, you could practice mindfulness by acknowledging, "I'm feeling anxious right now, but it's just a feeling, and it doesn't have to control me."
But Why Bother with Self-Compassion?
You might have read the above and thought, That sounds really nice, but also like total bullsh*t.
If you think this is too “woo woo,” self-indulgent, and completely unnecessary, I feel you. I WAS you. But the research simply does not support our feelings. Here’s what the science says.
While self-criticism can have adaptive benefits (who doesn’t want to avoid danger and improve their skill sets?), excessive self-criticism can lead to serious negative mental health consequences, like anxiety and depression.
Dr. Neff’s research and meta-analyses on this topic have uncovered compelling evidence of the benefits of practicing self-compassion, such as:
Improved mental health outcomes - This includes reduced anxiety, depression, and stress.
Increased resilience - A kinder inner dialogue and recognizing shared humanity helps people bounce back from adversity more effectively. They’re better able to cope with setbacks and challenges and maintain emotional equilibrium, even in difficult times.
Enhanced emotional strength - Self- compassion helps people manage their emotions more effectively because it encourages mindfulness, allowing them to process emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.
And what does all this do for you? Let me count the ways.
At work:
It reduces your likelihood of burnout because you can acknowledge your limits and take necessary breaks without guilt.
It fosters a growth mindset by making you more open to learning from your mistakes, rather than being defeated or paralyzed by them.
It improves your relationships with your colleagues because when you have more empathy for yourself, it often extends to those around you, improving teamwork and collaboration.
At home:
It helps you show up for your family with more patience and presence and allows you to forgive yourself for not being “Parent of the Year” when you forget to sign the permission slip or have to miss a school play.
It helps you manage household responsibilities more equitably and calmly, reducing overall tension in the household.
In Your Relationships:
Recognizing common humanity enhances empathy and compassion toward others. It fosters deeper connections and better conflict resolution.
Self-compassion also gives you permission to confidently set boundaries, ensuring your needs are met without feeling selfish.
Self-Compassion and Success
Despite these benefits, I can still hear the skeptics. Won’t this make me weaker? Complacent? Isn’t it my inner critic that keeps me operating a high standard? Isn’t that the reason I’m so good at what I do?
In a word: No.
The drill sergeant in your head that you think is keeping you in line and making you better is actually hindering your progress.
It’s undermining your motivation and activating the “fight or flight” system that’s associated with stress and anxiety, which impairs cognitive function.
Self-critics tend to make less progress toward their goals and are more likely to engage in self-handicapping strategies.
And, they tend to develop a self-esteem that is contingent on external success or approval, which often crumbles under pressure.
But self-compassion helps people soar.
Contrary to the myth that it leads to laziness, self-compassion fosters greater intrinsic motivation, which leads to increased engagement, higher quality work, and better overall well-being.
And rather than developing a self-esteem built on whether you succeed or fail, self-compassion improves your sense of confidence and efficacy, providing a more stable sense of self-worth that is not contingent on perfection or comparison to others.
How to Build Self-Compassion
I hope I’ve convinced you that this is a practice worth pursuing.
From personal experience, I can say that getting into the habit of catching all (ok, most) of the unkind thoughts I have about myself and changing them to more compassionate ones has completely changed what it’s like to be inside my head. Since I started intentionally practicing self-compassion, I’ve felt more capable of taking risks, I’ve been living more authentically, and ultimately, I’m just a happier person.
If you want to get started with building more self-compassion, here are some strategies you can try.
How Would You Treat a Friend?
If you are going through a specific struggle or made a mistake, pretend that it’s a close friend who is going through it instead.
How would you respond to them? What words would you use? What would the tone of your voice sound like?
Now, turn that same compassionate voice and attitude towards yourself. Say those same words to yourself, either out loud or in your mind. There may be some initial resistance. Acknowledge it. But keep going.
Notice how it feels to be self-compassionate versus self-critical.
Self-Compassionate Letter Writing:
Identify something you feel bad about or a perceived flaw or shortcoming.
Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate friend or loved on. This "friend" sees all your strengths and weaknesses but understands the circumstances that have led you to be who and where you are. They offer unconditional acceptance, understanding, and support.
Read the letter to yourself (try it out loud!) and allow yourself to receive the kindness.
Challenge Your Inner Critic:
Become aware of your self-critical thoughts. What words, tone, and phrases does your inner critic use?
When you catch yourself being self-critical, pause. Ask yourself:
"Would I say this to a friend I cared about?"
"Is this thought truly helpful or is it just causing me more pain?"
"What's a kinder alternative to this thought?"
Use Self-Compassionate Affirmations:
Create short, positive statements that resonate with you and focus on self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Examples:
"I am doing my best, and that is enough."
"I am worthy of kindness, especially from myself."
"This moment is difficult, and I will be gentle with myself."
"I am not alone in my struggles."
Repeat these affirmations regularly, especially when you're feeling down or facing a challenge.
Mindful Self-Compassion Meditations:
Engage in guided meditations specifically focused on self-compassion. Many apps (Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer) and websites (Kristin Neff's self-compassion.org) offer these.
Practices like Loving-Kindness Meditation can be adapted to focus on yourself, sending well wishes and compassion inward. I use the Calm app for this and always come out of it feeling calmer, lighter, and less judgmental of myself and others.
If you’re interested in exploring these concepts further, Dr. Kristin Neff’s website offers a wealth of resources and information.
A few months ago, I know I would have beat myself up about this late post. But I’ve come to truly appreciate that self-compassion isn't just an idealistic concept. It's a powerful tool for nurturing my resilience and well-being.
If you choose to embark on this journey - and I hope you will - remember to sprinkle the same kindness you offer your loved ones into your own life. Because ultimately, self-compassion is what builds the inner fortitude to thrive.
Until next time, stay well, friends.
